Our response to “criticism” is usually rooted in our childhood experiences – how we were corrected. Was the feedback objective and supportive? Or damaging by being personal / humiliating /shaming?
REFLECT:
How were you corrected / redirected as a youth?
What feelings still linger from those experiences?
How does that affect how your receive feedback?
I am totally grateful for my positive experiences around redirection, because it was supportive and given to create improvement – not t make me feel bad. Mom rarely corrected me, and framed it in a larger context – like how the behavior could affect me in the future. Dad was always teaching me to do things (from changing the oil in my car to cooking). He stressed my being independent, and is corrections were with love and good intentions. This laid the foundation for my being open to redirection for improvement.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t had LOTS of people who did NOT give redirection feedback effectively with good intentions. I consider their attitude / lack of skill to be their issue. Improving my performance is my issue.
The five ways to respond to Redirection Feedback are:
1. If it’s accurate, agree with it.
Do not be defensive or argumentative or explanatory
“You really messed up that last report.”
“I agree. It was not my usual high quality work.”
Don’t make comments like:
“Yeh, but with the deadline I had, you’re lucky to get it at all.”
Stop after your agreement statement and see where the conversation goes.
Use it to find ways to improve:
“How specifically could I improve the reports in the future?”
2. If it’s not accurate, disagree with it.
“You really messed up that last report.”
“I disagree. The report is the same format and quality of all my reports.
What makes you think it is messed up?”
Wait to see if there are specific areas that need improvement. If not, try for agreement that the feedback was inaccurate.
3. If the feedback is inappropriate, state that and set boundaries.
“You really messed up that last report. I can’t believe you could be so stupid.”
“You may discuss the report with me. But you cannot call me stupid.”
4. If the speaker doesn’t modify their approach, use The Broken Record
Say the same response over and over again – word for word – until the tone of the conversation shifts.
“I can speak to you any way I want to. I’m your boss.”
“You may not speak to me in that tone or with that language.”
Respond with this exact line for 5+ times. If the conversation doesn’t shift, end it. (I use this often).
5. If someone is being totally inappropriate, Fog It
In other words, ignore it. This can set the speaker off, especially if they are aggressive and / or angry to begin with. So decide if you are willing to deal with hostility before using it. And practice in less important settings before using it in touchy situations. (I use this often as well).
APPLY:
Choose one of the 5 responses at a time.
Monitor you communication pattern around it.
Decide what you want to improve / change / modify.
Practice, Practice, Practice.
When you feel comfortable with the new response pattern, move on to the next one.
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,Manual J. Smith, Bantam, 1975.
