I’ve flown to Hong Kong to have silk business suits custom made, and I’ve
shopped for clothes at Good Will. I’ve had years of remarkable success, and
I’ve had business failures. I’ve had awesome loving relationships, and I’ve had
a divorce. I’ve been in great physical condition, and I’ve experienced disease.
I’ve had times of great fulfillment, and I’ve had times of deep frustration. In
other words, I’ve had a normal life – filled with forward and fallback!
If your life has been a consistently smooth forward-moving chain of events,
you are either very young or very blessed. Our societal expectation is to go
forward through life like climbing a ladder – up up up. But the reality is there
are steps up, stops, and steps back. In research studies on leadership, the
steps back are called fallback. (In spiritual language, they can be the dark
night of the soul).
A common exercise to illustrate this self development theory is to diagram
your life-line.
APPLY / REFLECT:
* Using a large piece of paper, draw a horizontal in the middle
* Divide the line by decades – marking 0-10 years, 20-30 years, 30-40
years, etc.
* Draw a continuous line representing the ups and downs of your life –
physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, professional, etc.
Make the height of the lines how high the events were for you.
Make the depth of the lines how low the events were for you.
* As you look at the graphic display of your life, it is most likely NOT a
continuous upward line, but a zig zag of ups and downs.
Reflect on why the highs were high and why the lows were low.
The five primary causes of lows / fallback are common triggers that include:
* Events / conditions we can’t control
* Major life events such as unemployment, bad marriages, the death of
a loved one, illness or injury, new parenthood, taking a new job,
moving to a new country
*Challenges to our identity through events or through new
perspectives and shifts in meaning-making
* Group pressure which includes family relationships, organizations
and societies
* Unresolved trauma
Over time, some lows may turn into highs, like career changes. When my
outdoor adventure business didn’t make it, it was a HUGE LOW. But it led to a
career in education and consulting, which was a HUGE HIGH. When I went
into to a C-suite level leadership role, it was a combined high and low – more
stress and less freedom yet more achievement and significance. When I left
the job, the lows neutralized and the highs remained.
REFLECT:
Look for patterns in the highs and lows of your life line.
Have any lows turned into highs?
The emotional and physiological responses to fallback are often habitual and
can include laziness, exhaustion, depression, overload, inability to perform,
stress, fear, tension, rage, shame, overactivity… Some leaders in fallback
describe feeling depressed, stupid, helpless, unable to cope, existing in a
primitive survival state and experiencing breakdown.
REFLECT:
Identify your common responses to fallback.
Which of these responses support your recovery? (Doing nothing can be a
good response in some instances).
Some keys to transforming fallback to forward include:
* recognizing when you are in fallback
* accepting life is a process and fallback is part of the human condition
* accepting you will not always be your best self: your life will not
always be living your best life
* allowing yourself processing / recovery time
* choosing to view it differently (not failure, etc)
* reflecting on your situation with objectivity and analysis
* remaining free of judgement, blame, shame. guilt…
* creating positive scenarios for possible outcomes
* practicing calming and balancing techniques such as mindfulness,
meditation, time in nature, or…
* creating positive self-talk / affirmations about your ability to recover
* creating positive self-talk / affirmations about the situation
Leaders who transform fallback more readily often have sayings that sustain
them, such as:
This too shall pass.
Every setback is a set up for comeback.
Setbacks are blessings in disguise.
I’ve got this.
Fallback is my teacher: not my undertaker.
This is a challenge I can handle.
There’s a good lesson in here somewhere, and I’ll find it.
The best revenge is living well.
This is the start of a great new adventure.
I am grateful for what I do not yet understand.
I choose happiness.
I keep on keeping on.
Everything works for the best in the end.
Other affirming statements might include
Fallback is normal, and I am at peace with it
I know I will recover and grow from this experience
I have faith something better will come from this
I move beyond denial about my situation in ease and grace
I move beyond being angry about my situation in ease and grace
I move beyond bargaining about my situation in ease and grace
I move beyond being depressed about my situation in ease and grace
I move beyond fearing the future and flow with it
I feel safe whether or not I am in control
I feel secure whether or not I know my future
I have faith in my future
I am on the right path, and my next step is clear to me now
I release my past, live in my present and welcome my future
I face my future with confidence, happiness, acceptance and peace
I face my unknown future wise, free and unafra
One proven technique I used when consulting with organizational leaders –
especially those facing downsizing (losing their jobs) – was this:
* Write down the worst thing that can happen
* Identify the % / chance it will happen
* Write down how you will handle it
When you’re finished, put it in a sealed envelope addressed to yourself and
pass it to me.
Then, I would mail it to them three to six months later.
I got HUGE positive feedback for this simple exercise!
Alternatives are to burn it, put it in desk drawer to read later…
APPLY:
Complete the activity above.
